Bytsura Blues

2010-01-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

I think of all the stories about my family that I only heard later in life, mostly through my older brother. I feel there was a short period of time, several years perhaps, where every one told their stories or had them told and then they were done with them. Why retell them? I was too young at the time to be included/

2010-01-19T14:40:00.001-08:00

This is killing me.
Could you please stop talking.

2010-01-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

Blood lead levels
blood red levels
blood lead revels
blood red revels

2010-01-19T12:04:00.000-08:00

I want security
I want many splendid things

2010-01-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

I'm living in limbo again. South Bronx Purgatory. Will I be heading to a better place?
Half a year of regrets for coming, six months for leaving.

2010-01-18T18:28:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of things I haven't told you.
The stain on the rug, the broken glass, your favorite pair of shoes.

2010-01-18T18:24:00.000-08:00

It's the elephant in the room.
What?
The fact that we like each other. We both know it, it's just not a good idea.
So you guys have talked about it?
No.
Maybe it's a miniature elephant, about yay big. It could curl up in your lap.

2010-01-18T17:56:00.001-08:00

I like this she said, reaching up to scruff my face.
It's going away tomorrow - i have to work
I know, I'm just letting you know.

2010-01-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

the gibberish two posts back comes from a scrap of paper found in the EKG machine of the hospital. I wonder who wrote it - a nurse, a patient, an intern? who was talking to whom? were they taking notes?

2010-01-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

a mind of water (must be ...
to ____ the bridge, to ____ __ _____

2010-01-04T20:20:00.000-08:00

Spots in eyes
water in tube
constipated
water in tube

anxiety
suction too low
in bed
water
anxiety

i fell down
Sun
5mg
dizzy
she wants meds
stereo
back

irritating
he was writing order
doc says
patches come off
aching

2009-12-14T23:44:00.000-08:00

The stories my family told me,
the stories they didn't.
the things i'm not supposed to know.

the stories i never told my family...

My great grandparents' divorce
My great aunt leaving school at 12 to pick cucumbers
my great grandmother coming to live with my mom after the separation

my parents' marriage and divorce
my dad's courtship of my stepmom
my stepmom's previous marriage

my maternal grandfather's teenage years, his life in the army, the war in the pacific
my cousin getting divorced, getting re-married, having a new baby

my dad getting bell in exchange for a delivery
bell dying in childbirth, breaking my dad's heart

my other grandpa's drinking problem, him serving in germany, almost getting kicked out of the army for drinking, then quitting drinking

i feel like there are a lot of stories i barely know,

2009-12-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

The stories my family never told me

2009-12-14T08:07:00.000-08:00

Try not to think less of me over the months to come. Maybe things will get better. Maybe I can come see you in the spring.

2009-12-13T22:50:00.000-08:00

I spent the last three months writing a letter almost every day. That person is no longer part of my life. I feel less frustrated, less tormented by the space, the distance, the uncertainty of it all, but aside from a vague sadness I just feel sort of empty.

2009-12-12T22:54:00.001-08:00

It's been so long since I last wrote that it's hard to fill the space in between. I'm on vacation finally, traveling up and down the west coast. I have a few days left in San Francisco before flying back to New York to start work again. I've been doing a bit of reading but haven't had more than a few phrases pop into my mind.

He had a fish hook mouth
and soda pop teeth.

Maybe more will come. Maybe there will be others.

I just wrote a letter on the outside of an envelope, leaving a space for the address and the stamp. I didn't have any paper to write on but i had a fistful of envelopes. I actually really like the way it looks. Hopefully it will actually arrive.

2009-09-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

Last words before being executed in Texas. These are haunting

CLAIRE CAMERON, the author of “The Line Painter”

Go ahead?

Nothing I can say can change the past.

I done lost my voice.

I would like to say goodbye.

My heart goes is going ba bump ba bump ba bump.

Is the mike on?

I don’t have anything to say. I am just sorry about what I did.

I am nervous and it is hard to put my thoughts together. Sometimes you don’t know what to say.

Man, there is a lot of people there.

I have come here today to die, not make speeches.

Where’s Mr. Marino’s mother? Did you get my letter?

I want to ask if it is in your heart to forgive me. You don’t have to.

I wish I could die more than once to tell you how sorry I am.

Could you please tell that lady right there — can I see her? She is not looking at me — I want you to understand something, hold no animosity toward me. I want you to understand. Please forgive me.

I don’t think the world will be a better or safer place without me.

I am sorry.

I want to tell my mom that I love her.

I caused her so much pain and my family and stuff. I hurt for the fact that they are going to be hurting.

I am taking it like a man.

Kick the tires and light the fire. I am going home.

They may execute me but they can’t punish me because they can’t execute an innocent man.

I couldn’t do a life sentence.

I said I was going to tell a joke. Death has set me free. That’s the biggest joke.

To my sweet Claudia, I love you.

Cathy, you know I never meant to hurt you.

I love you, Irene.

Let my son know I love him.

Tell everyone I got full on chicken and pork chops.

I appreciate the hospitality that you guys have shown me and the respect, and the last meal was really good.

The reason it took them so long is because they couldn’t find a vein. You know how I hate needles. ... Tell the guys on Death Row that I’m not wearing a diaper.

Lord, I lift your name on high.

From Allah we came and to Allah we shall return.

For everybody incarcerated, keep your heads up.

Death row is full of isolated hearts and suppressed minds.

Mistakes are made, but with God all things are possible.

I am responsible for them losing their mother, their father and their grandmother. I never meant for them to be taken. I am sorry for what I did.

I can’t take it back.

Lord Jesus forgive of my sins. Please forgive me for the sins that I can remember.

All my life I have been locked up.

Give me my rights. Give me my rights. Give me my rights. Give me my life back.

I am tired.

I deserve this.

A life for a life.

It’s my hour. It’s my hour.

I’m ready, Warden.

2009-08-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

i waited too long to come home.

starting anew with another thread. violins in the background, almost like country fiddlers. this song means nothing to me, at least not yet.
ambulances are always in the background. coming and going, with a shrieking wail or just a burp of the siren if they're tired of waiting for the light.
an early morning run made my day that much better, although i almost didn't make it to the bathroom when I decided to head home.

2009-08-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

walked up the eleven flights to my apartment, kicked off my oversized, second-hand shoes, hung my dress shirt on the back of the chair, and slipped off my socks. i'm writing for 30 minutes before I do anything else. Waiting for my mom to arrive from Richmond. Maybe i'll scrub the tub or pull apart the typewriter or go pick up my dry cleaning when I'm done.

there are days that i've lost
days i feel pulled apart
when i'm drifting off to sleep and everything that i've ever wanted to say wells up in me

"better" is a very american concept.
-which is better, one or two?
--that's good.
-which is better?
--they're both good
-which one is better, one or two?

this conversation happened 5 or 6 times with same patient today. they were getting their vision checked. the optho resident was a really nice guy but I could tell he was getting frustrated.

or...

-which is better, one or two?
-- i can't see nothin
- but which is better, which is more clear?
--they're both fuzzy
-yes, but which is less fuzzy
--i can't read what you're showin me doc!

there is so much stuff i feel i have to know. so much i'd like to be better at. today i even thought about doing another residency after this, specializing in something so I could have a focus for my primary care patients. How long is optometry school? How about podiatry - kidding mostly, but some skills would be better to have.

there are already certain things i feel i should have done for some of my patients and didn't do. call one of them back and tell them their UTI was positive, but the medicine we gave her should have treated it. Get a psych outpatient appointment for a patient that really needed it. I feel like in one way I'm already slipping by not doing certain things for patients. I'm also slipping because I feel like I don't do enough reading about my patients that come in - like for example - what are good things to do in a basic workup for headache. Questions to ask, when to get certain tests or imaging, etc. I'm not sure what the best place to find this sort of info is. Also, I know nothing about peds - current vaccine schedules, how to go about with parental guidance --> what specific questions, etc to ask. How to talk to teens about sex and drugs at age appropriate levels. There's a lot and I'm not sure how to go about it. i feel like there are also a lot of skills I wanna perfect - like seeing the fundus of the retina on patients. it's hard and when i look i usually dont see it and give up because it's uncomfortable after a while for me and the patient. maybe i can convince my classmates to let me practice on them...

i'm going to put on some music...

some of the plants on my windowsill are struggling - one of them was knocked over by a pigeon or a gust of wind and split in half. it's holding on, perhaps stunted forever. a good chunk of the caladiums i bought and split into different pots are struggling. hopefully one batch from each will make it. at least the cactus they gave me before internship is still alive. it'd be a bad omen if it had already died.

2009-08-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

this whole health care debate is driving me crazy. i feel like i have been trying to read up on it but don't really know what is going on, or what all the different aspects of the plan entail. I'm blown away by all this crazy talk people are spewing - it makes me angry, and frustrated, and saddened - I just can't believe the shit coming out of people's mouths - telling Senator Specter that one day he is going to stand before God and God is going to judge him!!??

God is going to send him to hell for trying to provide health insurance to people who don't have it? Really messed up logic. Pretty scary.

Other people saying we are trying to turn this country into Russia

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/12/health/policy/12townhall.html?em

What is wrong with people. Don't they know EVERY other industrialized country IN THE WORLD has some form of universal health care?

2009-08-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

still having trouble figuring out what to do with my time and somehow just wasting it all away - i'm not doing anything creative for me, i'm not reading about patient related stuff for work, i'm not even doing anything fun that i enjoy.
i came home, took a nap for a couple hours, woke up, and just dicked away the evening. i spent an hour trying to record music on my computer but it's not coming out right.
i wanted to take apart my type writer and see why it's not functioning but didn't get around to that. i wanted to scrub the tub because my mom is comin tomorrow but I didn't get that done either.
and now it's almost midnight and past time I should be in bed...

2009-08-04T19:39:00.001-07:00

it's getting late again. I find myself constantly running out of time, not getting what I want to get done in the day, including this. I propped my typewriter up on the table today to write a letter which became a date, an introduction, and half a sentence. There is something wrong with a catch, or a spacing mechanism and as you are typing it will skip a few spaces between letters at random intervals across the page so you r typ in g loo ks so meth i ng li ke thi s. Frustrating. I'd like to take it apart but now is not the time. Maybe over the weekend on one of my days off.

I have a lot going on in my head about being a resident, especially here in the Bronx, but it's not easy to write about and every time i start to take up the thread i let it go. I'm a little frustrated at not being at the clinic of my choice - one of the clinics we run is 60% Spanish speaking. That's not the one I'll be working at for the next three years. It's a mixture of selfishness and anger at poor patient care fueling my frustration. I wanted to go there and didn't get to - not the worst thing in the world, but patients should have a doctor that speaks their language if possible and apart from my co-intern who was born in Colombia, my Spanish is considerably better than my other coworkers. So I'm annoyed - not that I deserve to go to my clinic of choice any more than the next person, but providing culturally competent care has a lot to do with the language skills of the staff.

Anyways... It is a strange dynamic in which I find myself involved at times. I've worked alongside people from all sorts of backgrounds - as a cook, a busboy, a dishwasher, a receptionist, etc., mostly as an equal - at least in terms of holding the same job and getting paid the same. Of course being a straight middle class white guy i'm coming from a place of privilege and the arcs of our lives are different.

Here though, I'm finally a doctor - I'm in a position of authority, I'm a gatekeeper for things people want - whether it's an MRI, a pill, a painkiller, a work release form, a voucher for a medical shuttle service to clinic, etc. It's not a place I've really been before, and not a place that I'm comfortable. To make things even more complex I'm a white doctor working mostly with patients who are women of color. Before Medschool, working at a shelter for years I'd occasionally work a counselor shift over the weekend, in which I was in charge. I hated having the authority and the responsibility to send people out who broke the rules. Even though I would have been paid more I preferred to stay on for years as a program aide rather than have that authority and responsibility.

And being a doctor comes interlaced with responsibility towards the patient as well as authority. I am compelled and driven to care for my patients. I had a patient with a history of substance abuse issues around prescription pain medicine - while she was in the hospital she screamed at some of the staff and in the past has threatened staff. If i was at the shelter i would simply say, you raise your voice to another person again or threaten anyone and you're leaving - but you can't do that in a medical setting - the especially frustrating thing for her is that she didn't really have a medical problem severe enough for her to be in the hospital. It's frustrating on so many levels. But reading through her chart she has so much going on - several suicide attempts in the past, foster parenting, etc. It's so painful.

i keep asking myself. is there a point at which you can tell a patient if you don't stop screaming we will ask you to leave the hospital? Or if you keep yelling at me I'm not going to be your doctor anymore? Are there limits to our obligations to our patients - how are they shaped and constrained by our power and authority as physicians? I'm asking you to behave in a certain way --> but i'm doing it not as an equal but someone has control over a lot of aspects of your health and well-being.

I don't know --> it's a lot to think about.

2009-08-02T06:57:00.001-07:00

Rummaging through some papers at my mom's place I found this, which was an assignment someone had handed in for an English class in Guatemala.

Why the fire has its flames

Was once? In a distant town o lived a very sad family because they tapeworm light and does not also was a very cold place and desolated.
A day the father and the son left to hunt animals and at a moment the called boy junior, lost in that mountain so cold and desolated, its father was looking during long hours and their son to it never show up. The father of junior I arrive sad and crying at its house, and from that then its family lived distressed by the absence of junior.
The minutes, hours, days, weeks and months pass and junior not show up, single a junior day walking by the forest shake of cold, faint and I remain wire drawing one long night, whereas to the following morning very early by that place a old one walked very tired, fall down with the body of june and callers when seeing the thrown boy the old one I raise its body and i take it in its arms, i run for its house and it to it food and cover.
And instead in a instead in the sky heard a strong thunderclap, and at the moment started to fall a shinny star rain one of them right key in the chimney of the house of that old one and rose when seeing that it was what it was happening then in that chimney saw a luminous stove that tapeworm a hot light that to burn in flames, at the moment the stone started to cry and his tears was flames, the old one i ask to him because you cry luminous stone? and stone i answer him I cry because I have fallen down of planet very distant and then old I ask him of that planet and stone I answer him of which planet and she I answer to him, of star sun, I and my brothers, we were playing and we fell, and it is for that reason of which I cry because never never went up to the sun. I answer the stone to him and the old one said to him, you do not cry but that you much aid to this planet and from now on will call fire to you and you tears is called flames. Weeks then junior return to its home with old one and the fire and its very happy family. And they say that whenever the fire cries it is because they leave flames to him.

2009-08-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

I should be writing more. There's a lot going on. After moving all the way across the country from San Francisco to the Bronx I've been a doctor for a little over a month. There's a lot going on with my patients. They are very sick. They are stressed out. They are 82 years old. They are addicted to the pain medicines that we gave them. They are happy to see us. They are appreciative. They are frustrated. They looking for more than we can offer. They are not taking their medications. They are taking their medications. They've lost 35 pounds. They are morbidly obese. They are positive for HIV and Hepatitis C. They have a history of substance abuse. They were abused as children. They have never had a drink or a cigarette in their entire lives. They took two buses to get here. They live just around the corner.

2009-07-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

These days are unlike any others. I struggle to go to bed in time, staying up late without getting anything done. Not for myself and not for work. I'm not creating and I'm not learning. I need to fill my time with something productive- reading a bit for work, writing or creating, and then a bit of time for total diversion. Maybe I'll try and record a few covers. Maybe record the guitar track and then sing over it and record that. We'll see.

I feel so much is happening but it's so dense that it's hard to parse into words... It's like a logarithmic leap in responsibility.

2009-07-27T21:39:00.001-07:00

cadence to decadence
soft feet to salt

2009-06-17T20:32:00.000-07:00

my brother and I were talking about the aftermath of a nuclear war - whether with a small number of nukes if it's be enough to touch of nuclear winter.

"Josh and I would be pulling 12 hour guard duty while you cooked us food and read us stories - and managed my diabetes."

Hilarious. He prefaced it by saying we could live out of mom's pantry for a year.

2009-06-17T20:17:00.001-07:00

I can't do this

2009-06-17T20:08:00.000-07:00

i'm angry at the words i'm putting down.

2009-06-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

you can't hold a river...

2009-06-15T23:37:00.000-07:00

a long day's journey. Harlem to the Bronx to Upper East Side to the East Village to Brooklyn and back to Harlem. Opened a new bank account, got a couple x-rays, had my blood drawn, saw the doctor, got a library card, registered to vote, dropped by the housing office and the family medicine office.

also, had a random run-in in the street. my friend ben ran into his friend adam from LA/madison, whom he hadn't seen in years, and his girlfriend is Annie who recognized me because she's a friend of Amir's and Hailey's Strange world.

2009-05-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

I just ran across some old lyrics from my short-lived punk rock band. Some of it's pretty cheesy, some is pretty intense.

here's one..

Support the troops! KiII the president!
Support the troops! KiII the president!
Support the troops! KiII the president!

You fight wars abroad so you can obscure
the wars you wage at home against the middle class and poor.
To make yourself rich you sent our families off to war -
When they come back in a casket we'll be knockin at your door

Sixteen hundred Pennsylvania Avenue
What you got comin is long overdue

Support the troops! KiII the president!
Support the troops! KiII the president!
Support the troops! KiII the president!

My grandpa left home in 1941
to fight the fascist power of the rising sun
He woke up screamin for years after the war
I know that in his dreams he comes knockin at your door.

Sixteen hundred Pennsylvania avenue
What you got comin is long overdue

Support the troops! KiII the president!

2009-05-19T11:32:00.000-07:00

eremitic - hermit-like
recondite- 1 : hidden from sight : concealed
2 : difficult or impossible for one of ordinary understanding or knowledge to comprehend : deep - a recondite subject
3 : of, relating to, or dealing with something little known or obscure - recondite fact about the origin of the holiday —
opprobrium - 1: something that brings disgrace 2 a: public disgrace or ill fame that follows from conduct considered grossly wrong or vicious b: contempt, reproach
unalloyed - not alloyed : unmixed, unqualified, pure
hegira - the flight of Muhammad from Mecca in a.d. 622, from Medieval Latin, from Arabic hijra, literally, departure: a journey especially when undertaken to escape from a dangerous or undesirable situation : exodus

2009-05-03T21:01:00.001-07:00

This is my last transgression.

2009-04-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

a change of heart (failure)

2009-04-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

again, having trouble finding words - nothing to piece together, no brief flashes of inspiration, no 6 word short stories...
this is a second silence

2009-04-02T22:04:00.000-07:00

2009-04-02T22:00:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've run out of words these days - words with any semblance of meaning. nothing but idle chatter, routine patterns of syllables

2009-04-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

photos...

2009-03-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

i'm back in the states. i need to put up photos from my trip. i'll try and do it this week - have to wake up early tomorrow for my dentistry rotation.

2009-03-25T14:46:00.000-07:00

I found out last week but had forgotten to post that I'm heading to the Bronx for residency in July. The program at Montefiore has a focus on social justice, which I'm excited about. I also have a lot of good friends in and around New York, and it's quite a bit closer to Virginia and half my family.

Starting residency is a daunting feeling. Suddenly I am going to be directly in charge of people's lives. No one has to co-sign my orders.

2009-03-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

I sat on the roof today, trying to finish Muertos Incomodos, a novel written mostly by Subcomandante Marcos of the EZLN. I could see volcan Santa Maria before me, the peak draped in clouds. There are several small rooms rented out on the roof, and from the nearest I heard the quick clack of a typewriter, churning out pages. Heading downstairs after soaking up a bit of sun, i caught a glimpse of the young man sitting on the edge of his bed, the typewriter resting on his legs as he worked.

2009-03-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

My time here is winding down. I'm in Xela again, relaxing and visiting friends. I spent the weekend in Tilapita, a tiny beach town just south of the Mexican border. The bus (the last of several) dropped us off in Tilapa and we had to take a small boat up and across the river, near the town's only hotel. We dropped our stuff at the shack next door and headed down to the beach.

After a swim we headed back to the shack to hang the hammocks. There was a latrine out back and a well from which we had to draw water to wash up. We ended up hopping the fence to a fancier place next door, which had a pool and an outdoor shower, and lounged around, hoping the owners wouldn't show up.

We ate dinner at the hotel, shrimp or grilled fish with salad and potatoes. Damn it was good, although the mosquitoes feasted as well. I think I got malaria, dengue, and chagas overnight - we didn't have mosquito nets. I slept in the next morning, lounged around with the others, then headed back to xela after noon.

2009-03-16T15:48:00.000-07:00

I´m in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua, staying with my old babysitter of all people. She moved down here this past year with her husband. Went surfing today which is always fun, although when I returned the board I rented the guy gave me a dirty look - probably because the wind picked it up at one point and hurled it 30 yards down the beach. No damage though, so that´s good. Am probably going to go tomorrow as well.

2009-03-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

like finishing a good book and feeling like you have to pause before starting anything else, as if starting another book immediately afterwards borders on betrayal - reading something profound and moving on without letting in simmer inside you, without carrying it around with you and thinking about it - like heading out for a date a couple days after ending a long relationship.

2009-03-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

rabid dogs, ruined faces, long shadows on dusty streets.

He stopped on the sidewalk. The street sloped down so only his face, framed by a square in the iron railing, showed above the table.
- Usted. He paused for me to say something, stared at the bottle in front of me. - Da me eso. There was an inch of beer left.
- No hay nada. He waited, then moved on, sinking out of sight.

2009-03-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

The murals in Estelí are amazing. I was up and about all day in the heat snapping photos, and will try and put them up here next week when I´m back in Xela. I´m spending one more day here tomorrow, and then am heading to León for a couple days.

2009-03-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

36(Guatemala -> El Salvador -> Honduras -> Nicaragua)hours
I´ll have to write more when I stay for more than a day in one place. I´m just over the border in Nicaragua and am heading to Esteli tomorrow.

2009-02-28T22:59:00.000-08:00

I wouldn't worry about it too much. What we worry about usually doesn't happen, but neither does what we hope for, so it's pretty much a wash.

2009-02-22T23:21:00.000-08:00

Bytsura = Bacjura

2009-02-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

marshmallow vanity
marshmallow vagabond

"To live here you either have to be against everything or to become a thief." - mai-thu perret.

2009-02-22T00:59:00.001-08:00

The patient speaks both Spanish and English. "There was
something beautiful."

"Something was beautiful."

2009-02-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

teethmarks on the windowsill

2009-02-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

i ran about 9 miles today, which is probably a record for me. It took me long enough, a lil over an hour and a half. I went running in Martinez, along a the Carquinez scenic route. I was looking for a road to double back on, which would have been a six mile loop but I never found it - apparently it was a trail through a cow pasture in lynx territory that i should have gone up, but I ran past it instead.

The route is barricaded off from cars at one point, after which old graffiti on the road has been covered by splotches of multi-colored paint. the road also crumbles away at points, leaving only a footpath to the next stretch of asphalt. It opens onto passable road several miles further on, the barricade bearing a sign that reads "No trespassing, hazardous materials." It would have been nice to have been warned similarly coming the other way.

At one point I clambered up a small section of hill to get a better look at where I was, at the edge of no trespassing signs, and looked out over what had to be an old landfill covered over with soil and seeded with grass.

2009-02-14T20:49:00.001-08:00

landscape suicide (homicide)

2009-02-14T02:00:00.003-08:00

.........,
second edition.

2009-02-14T02:00:00.001-08:00

Cute
As a
Button.
Drunk
As a
Skunk.

2009-02-12T23:23:00.001-08:00

this is a pathless land

2009-02-09T23:11:00.001-08:00

Intervals have been laid down
for your own safety,
or for other reasons.
All aspects will gladly,
with every good wish,
depend on elapsed time,
as well as the distance covered.

Please do not hesitate to

2009-02-09T22:53:00.000-08:00

intervals have been laid down
for your own safety,
or for other reasons
(consequence)
please do not hesitate to
(choose accessories and spare parts)
all aspects will gladly,
with every good wish,
(constitute a (safety) hazard)

(maintenance) work is divided uo

work depend on elapsed time
as well as the distance covered

2009-02-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

the uninvited
broken dishes
toothpaste camouflage

2009-02-08T19:42:00.001-08:00

the stabled steeds of steel
you resign yourself

2009-02-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

I'm being worn down by this Martinez rotation - woke at 4:15 this morning to walk/bart/bus to the hospital in time. the day before i turned over and woke up at quarter to 3 and never fell asleep again. tomorrow is another early day.

The commute sucks - I'm spending a week out in Oakland to see how bad commuting would be if i were to do residency there and live in Oakland. I drove the first couple days but it is 30 minutes on a multilane highway through suburban wasteland. It's also cold as shit on the motorcycle before the sun comes up. I started taking public transit, which means I have to hop on BART by 5:20am, and then catch a bus to Martinez from there.

2009-02-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

the sun setting into slush
he's a legendary prick
you resign, or you get fired?
they are all on probation

2009-02-02T22:42:00.000-08:00

riding from richmond to oakland today i watched across the bay as the red sun set just to the left of the golden gate bridge.

2009-01-31T22:44:00.001-08:00

a disappointing state of grace

2009-01-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

this is a furtive establishment
a bent key flirting with breaking.
a newly invented currency

2009-01-31T11:14:00.000-08:00

I dragged my busted ankle
Through slush of cold phosphorous.
Burnt by the sun,
The sky grumbled and turned over
Trees impaled on black balloons,
Husked with dead locusts.
(Are you too a troubled teenage girl
Who knew their shadows were guilty?) keep?

or

I dragged my busted ankle
Through slush of cold phosphorous.
Trees impaled on black balloons,
Husked with dead locusts,
Burnt by the sun.
The sky grumbled and turned over.
Are you too a troubled teenage girl
Who knew their shadows were guilty?

or

I dragged my busted ankle
Through slush of cold phosphorous.
Trees impaled on black balloons,
Husked with dead locusts.
Burnt by the sun,
The sky grumbled and turned over.
Are you too a troubled teenage girl
Who knew their shadows were guilty?

2009-01-30T00:35:00.000-08:00

it's funny from a pure
sharp circle

the dark arc
knife in cheek

2009-01-29T01:09:00.000-08:00

i'm in an odd mood tonight, I can't quite describe it - a little unsettled but not sure why.

2009-01-28T01:37:00.000-08:00

Sandburg shows the dignity in manual labor, and creates sympathy in the hardship of the work. It's hard to dignify the menial tasks to which modern workers are assigned, hard to find sympathy in their plight - serving coffee, typing away, making calls, selling poorly made goods manufactured somewhere else - it's not our backs that give out, but our minds -> anxiety, depression, OCD, etc.

Hog Butcher for the World,
Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat,
Player with Railroads and the Nation's Freight
Handler;
Stormy, husky, brawling,
City of the Big Shoulders:

how can that even compare to

check-out girl at the wal-mart
accountant, cleaner-up on aisle three,
seller of merchandise made
overseas;
calm, empty, sprawling
suburb of the cold shoulder

2009-01-28T01:36:00.001-08:00

the getaway car was a Toyota Prius

2009-01-26T22:51:00.000-08:00

reading carl sandburg makes me feel like i could be a poet - only his subject matter is a century off - a celebration and a exposé of manual labor, industrial and agricultural. Our steel mills are quiet, our autoplants limping along, our factories run by machines. People work not to make, but to serve - waiters, advertisers, bank tellers, clerks, cubicle dwellers, nurses, etc.

we need a new poetry to expose all of this - it's hard to celebrate waiting a table or sitting at a cubicle.

2009-01-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

my friend D and I spend the afternoon overcaffeinating ourselves. I had resolved to eat healthily all day, and after salad for breakfast lunch and dinner I walked down to the grocery store just before 10, when it closes, and bought a half gallon of vanilla ice cream, which i ate with chocolate chips and coffee beans.

funny things for the day -> making pop-up or scratch and sniff books of the medical texts we're currently reading, like "double standards in medical research in developing countries."

-> i joked i didn't have any lipstick on to plant a kiss on the thank you letters I was sending to residency programs -> we decided i should also squirt some perfume in there and clip a lock of my hair.

-> putting Harvard Medical School at the end of all my letters, or better a random school like Rhode Island School of Design...

2009-01-25T18:26:00.001-08:00

a ____(room) full of lumberjacks and journalists

2009-01-25T17:27:00.000-08:00

are the economic interventions proposed in developing countries required to incorporate stringent benchmarks for success, such as those being pushed by medical science? should there also be RCTs of economic interventions, should there be IRB approval by the host and sponsor country/organization, should they be required to have culturally competent interventions? should they be admonished for not offering advantages to citizens of host countries as a requirement of doing business there? if for profit medical research companies have such requirements, why not other for-profit companies. If organizations such as the NIH or WHO are held to certain standards, why not the world bank, or the IMF? just thinking and writing before it drifts out of my mind...

2009-01-25T09:53:00.003-08:00

the veins of literature lead back to ...
"we are not more loved than now" - John Ashbery, Tennis Court Oath

2009-01-24T15:01:00.001-08:00

i dragged my busted ankle through the slush of cold phosphorous.
the sky grumbled and turned over.
trees impaled on black balloons,

(the husks/hush of dead locusts)
the street catches sunburn
are you too a troubled teenage girl
who knew the shadow was guilty / hungry

2009-01-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

the city covered in snow, like cold phosphorous

2009-01-23T22:27:00.000-08:00

I watched "Un Chien Andalou" last night - the first surrealist film created by Salvador Dalí and Luis Buñuel. It is 17 minutes of weirdness - an eye slashed with a razor blade in one of the opening scenes, and a man pulling two pianos, each filled with a dead mule, across a room - there are also two priests lying down, content, attached to the contraption. One of them is Dalí.

2009-01-23T00:51:00.000-08:00

It's cold outside - and raining. I'm listening to Otis Redding.
The smell of wet leaves on sidewalks / concrete.

2009-01-21T23:00:00.000-08:00

a grove full of parrots chattering in a long extinct language

2009-01-21T22:57:00.000-08:00

the bad breath of the universe
foul-mouthed machines

a high-styled mouth
a half-circle of bone

"Poetry a precession of waterbirds in flight mixed with motor accidents"
- ferlinghetti

2009-01-21T21:52:00.001-08:00

a halo dissolving into ash
a halo sputtering, like a busted fluorescent light

2009-01-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

I finished The Hours yesterday, which was a good read, made even better by the fact that Mrs Dalloway is one of my favorites. The Hours wraps itself around and weaves itself through the first book in an almost perfect way. Also, It's funny that when it was made into a movie Meryl Streep, who plays a fleeting role in the book, ends up starring in it. I haven't seen the movie but I think she actually plays a different character than possible self in the book. Imagine writing a book in which you mention a famous actor or actress, and then having it made into a movie starring that same actress. It's a little odd that she plays not herself, but a woman who catches a glimpse of herself. Merly Streep plays a woman who catches a glimpse of Meryl Streep in the street. Funny.

Also, I was thinking about how not only do all these preceding pages lead up to a climax in a story or novel, but they are also leading up to even a brief string of words, a phrase, and also creating a world on the other side of that phrase. 161 pages into my copy of the book there is the phrase "an erotic patriotism." That phrase stuck into my head because I'd written on here a couple weeks ago the same phrase out of the blue. I was thinking how for that phrase to fit in the book, to mean exactly what it did in that moment, it had to be preceded by 161 pages of words, paragraphs, chapters, characters, etc, any change in which might have altered the meaning of that one little phrase, or any phrase in the book for the matter, and that the phrase also affects everything following it. It's like each word or phrase in a story is built up to and away from by all the words preceding and following it, all of which have some effect on the ultimate weight, meaning, and impact of the phrase. Depends on the phrase obviously - the bit about birds singing in greek in the novel connects two of the characters across space and time. Anyways, enough of this intellectual dribble... :)

2009-01-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

these are days in which the memory of cold has been stirred in my bones. hats, scarves, gloves do little to still it swirling through marrow.

i am in providence, after days in new york and boston. i head back to san francisco tomorrow.

2009-01-13T00:57:00.000-08:00

"stand up for the stupid and crazy."
"be committed ot something outside yourself.
be passionate about it."

lawrence ferlinghetti from poetry as insurgent art

2009-01-13T00:23:00.000-08:00

reinvent the wound
live between the lines

shadows cast by the light of truth

2009-01-13T00:17:00.001-08:00

beneath the orange of an almost-menacing moon
I am a fist pounding the face of every palestinian
It's January 12th, 2009
Pat me on the back.

2009-01-12T23:56:00.001-08:00

it did the inspector good
dying of something he shouldn't
like taxicabs of vitamin deficiencies

the beckoning widow,
the rumors escaping the prison
his hands were tied

2009-01-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days when I woke up and felt it was going to be a good day. Got a haircut, bought a couple of new shirts, picked up some used books, ate homemade chili cheese fries for dinner, heard from somebody I've been waiting to hear from...

2009-01-11T16:23:00.001-08:00

attenuate - to make thin or slender to make thin in consistency; to lessen the amount, force, magnitude, or value of: to reduce the severity, virulence, or vitality of

2009-01-11T02:21:00.001-08:00

a year of indefatigable fire

2009-01-10T14:56:00.001-08:00

the wrath of a photograph
torn, pulled from ...

2009-01-10T00:53:00.000-08:00

I crumpled into the snow. I just sort of fell over. I'd been snowplowing my way down the bunny slope - no trees, no bumps, smooth as could be. A bright ache beamed inside my leg that became blinding when I tried to stand up. My father looked up at me from further down the slope.
"You're fine. Come on, get up." I was stopped by the pain.
More encouragement, followed by failed attempts. My dad got frustrated.
"You better be hurt" he snapped as he bent down to pick me up, carry me to the car, and drag the rest of the family along to the hospital. I spent the next 4 weeks shuffling and crawling around the house in a cast.

2009-01-09T15:03:00.000-08:00

explicate - to give a detailed explanation of: to develop the implications of: analyze logically
vitiate - to make faulty or defective, impair: to debase in moral or aesthetic status (a mind vitiated by prejudice): to make ineffective
expiate - to extinguish the guilt incurred by; to make amends for

2009-01-08T23:44:00.000-08:00

Israel needs to stop bombing Gaza. Now! Hamas sucks too, but pulverizing the entire region is not right.

I feel there are things going on I want to do something about but I don't know where to start, where to make my voice heard, how to make others' voices heard, etc. I feel now is the time to push for universal health coverage, as we're already spending $1.5 trillion on the financial sector - what's $122 billion to provide coverage for all the uninsured.

2009-01-08T23:33:00.000-08:00

harangue - a ranting speech or writing, to lecture
tendentious - marked by a tendency in favor of a particular point of view: biased

2009-01-07T23:44:00.001-08:00

the landscape _____ beneath my skin
a dissipating state of grace
an erotic patriotism

2009-01-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

I dream of America
The loss of two pillars of glass
This money is delicious
though it burns the throat

And rising from darkness in far
away towns (?) they can be martyrs now.
and the follower's last (?) prayer is less hastily.
The sky a double sun (burning bush ?)

He folds a prayer in his tight hand
"Enough," he said forcefully.
He is dirty.
That was before

we would dream hundreds of miles
at night from our destinations.
When the arguments grew worse we
sharpened their edges on paperbacks/stones(?)

Now he thought/cared (?) only about gods (?).
Was the profit(?) a god(?)?
And what about the dollar(?)
he flew softly (?) into the building (?)

He would have broken his fall if he had not breathed
Against the windowpane. What was it to be back
inside the (dream/plane??)? There is nothing to do
For our salvation, except wade in the glory (?) of it.

He was found (?) without wings (?)